We've just welcomed a new grandkid into the world which means, 1, we're old, and, 2, I'm going to have to relearn the whole nurturing: diapers, Goodnight Moon, acting goofy, making faces.
I get some practice making faces already. Deadline produces some significant (and why isn't that word pronounced "sign-iffi-sant"?) expressions. Being assigned (and why isn't that "a-sig-ned"?) a particularly dull or irksome story. When the better half pulls a Columbo and says "Just one more thing ..."
If I need a refresher course on puffy cheeks or funny eye-rolls, I can just go the mall and watch teenagers talking with their parents. I know I had that mastered when I was 16!
Baby handling at the hospital has changed. Instead of being plopped into a nursery full of babies, behind a huge window where Dad and Grandpa watch, as if they're trying to identify a pickpocket from a lineup of diapered leprechauns, the baby today is dropped into what looks like a clear Tupperware bin and heated, poked and scrubbed before being left for the duration in Moms room.
They swaddle them now — like the One in the manger, but without the hay or shepherds or sheep — wrapping them so tight they look like little husks of corn with faces, or that tight. It's supposed to remind him of life in the womb, but he seemed so tightly bound that I feared, if I tried to hug him, it would fire him out of his bindings like a cartoon banana.
What am I going to do when my daughter hands me this little boy to watch and my wife Roberta has to step out? All those "incompetent men with babies" scenes in movies are pretty much lies and exaggerations in this modern day, except in the case of me. It's been something like 24 years since I've peeled a diaper from a pre-glued bottom.
A couple of inventions would make my confidence so much greater.
Baby Pop-ups. I've noticed at the hospital that they record every centimeter of what this kid eats up in formula. They talk about whether he's had enough yet, or maybe too much. I don't have this kind of training, so now I'm worried that if I have him for the day I'll either starve him or overdo it and have him looking like Garfield without fur.
Can't someone make one of those pop-ups like they have on turkeys when you roast them? It can fit neatly in his ear canal or something, and when he's had just the right amount of food, the body pressure makes the little thing pop out and I know it's time to burp him.
Baby Tuners. This could be a simple app, and it could work two ways. These babies look incredibly fragile and I never know if I'm giving him just the right support or tilting him a little too much topside or downside.
I have an iPhone app called Guitar Tuna. It shows a picture of the tuning pegs on a guitar and when I pluck the D string it has little lines that waver to the left or right until I get the note just right. Couldn't this work for holding babies?
The second part would measure baby crying wavelength. Is he hungry? Sleepy? Made a mess? I would get the app with the time option — you know, if he's made a mess how long can I safely pretend I don't notice until the wife gets home?
Finally, Baby Wipers. Not Baby Wipes. Baby Wipers. Just like I have on my Subaru. They can be connected to a little halter or belt that you just strap onto the baby. Click a button and your soiled baby becomes squeegee clean. If you really want this product to sell, include the little squirters that fire soapy stuff across his bottom too. The wipers can have two speeds: intermittent and regular. High speed might seem a good idea at first, but suspect the end result wouldn't be pretty.
